I just crashed.

This is one of the primary reason I do not go on facebook - too many memories. Realization of the fact that the high school years are gone. All four of them, all the smiles, tears, drama, emotions... It's a different world now. We're only getting older and older. I want to go back. Go back to the time when my dad was alive. After having a most amazing day I find myself on my bed with tears ready to roll down my cheeks because the past means a time before he died. For some reason I just wanted to put on that sad depressing song. Everyone has one of those, the ones that are representative of a certain time of their life, the song that is always skipped in the iTunes because it is too much to bare. Well for once, I wanted to put on that song and feel all the pain.
Life is an abstract concept.. We are born into this world, in the end we die. Between those two we have some 70 years to occupy the planet if we're lucky. 80% (I assume) of us will be raised by at least one if not two parents, go to school, go to college, graduate, get a job, get married... same bullshit over and over again. No wonder people turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with their fucking life. It sucks.
I do not want to have children. I don't need the lecture on the importance of continuing your generation and blah blah blah. Bringing a child into this world maybe an emotional experience, but it is alco a cliche. You become just one of the many others blending into the crowd. A mother, a wife, a caregiver. My opinion on the subject is if you're taking care of one being, why not take care of the whole planet? Why not make a name, make the money, contribute to charity, work on world peace. We're too wrapped up in personal instincts and too wrapped up in this innovation of technology. What percentage of cell phones on the market has touch screens now? And when the hell did touch screens come out? I can tell you for sure it was while I was in high school. What took the world population many years to accomplish in technology advancement now takes only months if not a year or two. We're moving to fast and I am getting the spidey sense (got that from Cody) that this cannot lead to now good. It's too much, too fast and I would not be surprised if the world ended in 2012. How can this planet handle us with our electricity and manipulation of resources, our Wall Street and our iPhones. Doesn't anyone ever think that maybe life was better a little bit ago, that perhaps we should have stopped once we got our computers and our instant access to whatever we want... I mean 3D freaking cameras for recreational (not professional) use. And by the prices (yes, a regular laptop goes for 500 dollars now a days with warranty) we can see how fast all these new things lose value.

Now that I am completely and utterly depressed I don't even need no freaking songs. I am going to go take a shower.

 Welcome to my live journal. College Edition.

I really wish that all of my closest friends will be able to read this blog now that I am at school. Summer was all parties and friends and fun. Now I am at school and I realized that due to the lack of friends here, I end up thinking a lot more than I should. These thoughts are the ones that I will put down in my attempt to capture the college experience.
The basics - Salisbury University. The campus is not too big. The dorms are pretty cool. The blower - one shower, two toilets and all of this for 10 people. How do 10 people shower in one shower and manage to get to classes on time? I had to shower in the middle  of the day today between the orientation programs.
Yesterday was the first day on campus, unpacked, looked around... as I said, small campus, but very cozy. In the evening I went to a frat party with Phil, one of the friends from back home. First night on campus was a success. Met lots of drunk people, some guys, some girls, all interesting (maybe because they were wasted, or maybe I was?). Got back to campus and slept all through the convocation and the discussion activities.
Hopefully I will see the different side of college once classes start on Monday. I am also already one day behind on my whole stopping smoking thing. Gotta finish some bio stuff before class and maybe go drink later. Have fun guys!

After two months of endless toking, nights out, weeks away in Europe... waiting for me, yearning, desiring... After two months, when it is absolutely unnecessary... He says 'I love you'.
I don't want to know, don't want to be, I exist and why are anyone's feelings my problem? I'm in a false-marriage to Kris. Off limits.

Oh my... I want my Kris back right mother fucking now.

I have my fist AP exam tomorrow. Then work, hair appointment at 5.
Wednesday me and Huyen need to finish the certificates for internship after I get off work and I need to pack.
Thursday is the second AP and I need to get my nails and brows done if I can't tomorrow.
Friday... leave school, go chill, get ready with Arianna and whoever else. Prom.
Saturday - after prom, get home, finish packing... OFF TO RUSSIA AND ESTONIA FOR A WEEK AND A HALF.

I felt if I didn't type all of this out for myself I would have it all lost in my mind.
This is a lot of shit to do before I leave. I should prob go start packing. Eh...

[Kris is coming to MD to see me and Amanda graduate... =]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

FUCK YOU STUPID ... SOFTWARE... COMPUTER... PERSON... WHOEVER FUCKED UP GETTING MY PAYCHECK TO ME ON TIME.
I DO HOPE YOU GET RAPED UP THE ASS WITH SOMETHING HARD AND SANDPAPERY AND THEN GET STD'S FROM A HOOKER.

Could bust a knee cap right now. Worst part - I know Sam was depending on it too because of the doctor crap and I hate letting him down. Fuck my  life.

And since when did Switzerland become the most hated nation? I always said that I was and remained Switzerland, however I also remained friends with both parties involved. Then why the hell does he think it's okay to avoid me and honk at me on the road every now and then to let me know he's alive and in the area. Not to mention that it bothers me and I hate, I can't even get used to it... It's abstract. I still remember how we all used to hang out together. What the fuck happened in the last two months?... It's a subject that I hate hearing about, but yes, I finally talked about because I have my stance too and I'd rather keep a friend over an acquaintance. This isn't fair.

I try not to let most things phase me, but this does. Lying, cheating, scamming individuals who think they are so sly. Or perhaps not, but do not give you the benefit of the doubt that you can see straight through their lies. Well, I have something to say to you, my dear friend, fuck you and your plans.

As for other individuals that I wish to get out of my head and am hopelessly stuck on... I give up. I don't want to go there, ruin all my perfect fancies with awkwardness and ruined friendships, scandals. Not worth it. Anticipate 50% heart ache in the future. *Let it be however your soul interprets this script...*

I want Colorado and warm weather and long nights ... sunrise and coffee and to drown in perfection of time. I don't give Kris half the credit he deserves, for how sweet he is to me, even when I don't deserve it... *You're Venus, I am Earth, oh Eva how much I loved you.*

Let fall sit where it is. I'm not anxious to leave, I'll have all the time in the world to enjoy the fruits of Salisbury. I want to finish school and have a long summer. Work as much as I can, go back to Europe for a bit. Finally face myself before the graves of my loved ones, find out who I really am.

Anxiousness and tranquility are an odd combination. I wonder if it is explosive. Guess I'll find out tonight.

*Lonely, lonely, I am so lonely.... пусть всё будет как решит монолог твоей души.*

Me and Rene have known each other for two and a half years, and out of the blue we take the metro down to DC to spend together some quality time and finally get to know each other. I don't remember when all the hand-holding and romanticism started but now I am presented with a decision that I have to make, thus the pros and cons of dating an Estonian.
My mother commented that we look alike, on which I was going red in the face and plain mad on simply the idea of me looking at all like an Estonian. At the same time I am a hypocrite because I like the way he looks.
If I think of him as just a guy I know, who is really cool and with whom I had an amazing time in the city there seems to be no issues, but in the back of my mind it pops up: his birthday is 12/13/91, exactly nine months after me. He doesn't look like he's younger, but in a sense I do have a policy of guys being older and taller. Laura said that Dan is younger than her, yet it's different, they grew up together. Me and Rene just grew up in the same country.
It's nice to finally be able to talk about something like Vana Tallinn or Laagna and have someone understand what I mean. At the same time our origin is a negative point because amidst the dinner in Chinatown we started fighting over the Bronze soldier, the statue commemorating the lost Russian soldiers in the WWII, which the Estonian government took down two years ago. I will always stand up for my people,but he will always stand up for his, and he shares their opinions, while I share those of the Russian population of Estonia. At one point we both shut up and decided that if we're going to be friends we are not allowed to talk about these things, it will kill the friendship. It's a point of opposition that will never go away, and I have never been fond of Estonians,  while he is not too fond of Russians. I told him he's my only Estonian friend who has walked away from me alive. I left DC and on the metro home I realized that I gained a friend, perhaps a boyfriend, who is funny and smart and at the same time, I gained an enemy, because this kind of thing does not fly well at home. My mom right away start making jokes that were uncalled for, and I would have laughed along normally, but this is about someone I just spend the day hugging and watching 3D dino movies at the museum of natural history with.
I guess I am just lost and don't know what to do.
His friends invited me to go to the party that he was going to that night but I declined because of the last problem: he lives in VA and it's a bitch traveling back and forth all the time. And it's easier to just say fuck it and let this go, but I can't help what I want.

After denying my frail immune system for about a year it has hit me with a cold that has left me breathless.

Having you around isn't helping me focus on everything that needs to get done. Hurry up and leave so I can move on with my life.
I wish I could fuck you right now.

The overtime at work has suddenly become undertime, I don't even begin to imagine my schedule tomorrow and next week. Fuck my life.
Fuck the Dreamgirls encore too.

Have to go rob a bank to pay my deposit to Salisbury. Go Seagulls!!?

I wish school would get off my case. As soon as everything seems so close... I am running out of breath. So close, but I have no idea how I will get there.

I should be spending time with nice boys, someone I could go to prom with. Instead I spend my time bar hopping with 20+ and Sam because they want eye candy with them me to hang out with them.

*Full time work starts June 2nd. Leaving for Denver 2 weeks after that.*

P.s. yay! my computer is a virgin again. Thank you Dell for your crap ass one year warranty that provided me with a brand new hard drive for free. =]

"Once you are,
Just another cut away,
Now your scarred,
And these scars won't fade.
I still know,
You don't get something
For nothing,
Without giving up your soul."

RIP Eduard M. Alperovich. 6/27/1949 - 04/04/2008.

Ты никогда больше мне не позвонишь.

Я по тебе скучаю.